August 21, 2006

We here at Sock University take the education and tutelage of everything “socks” pretty seriously, so our disdain for charlatan sockwear should come as no surprise.  Today, we’ll take a look at two of the biggest impostors on the market.

I.  Aqua Socks: A Beachfront Blunder

These are neither aquas nor socks.  Discuss…

Some responsible manufacturers and retailers aptly call these “water shoes,” for which I, for one, am appreciative.  Maybe it’s just me, but socks do not - and should not - feature breathable mesh, an antimicrobial footbed, a leather “upper,” and an amphibious rubber sole for traction.  Furthermore, aqua “socks” cannot even be worn with shoes.

II.  Socked/Footed Pajamas: The Wintry Disaster

Someone owes me either an explanation or an apology for this.

First off, what exactly are the benefits of pajama pants with built-in socks?  Do they limit the time necessary to put away socks and pants or do they just make you look silly? 

Second, these…things… are 100% polyester.  Comfy?

They also have a thin rubber sole underfoot, which does not prevent you from lispping down a flight of stairs (strike two), but does get in the way of taking a running start and sliding across the dinning room floor (strike three).  Yes, I am speaking from experience.

I remember stubbing my toe in the basement one night when I was wearing these pajamas, and to get a look at the smashed appendage, I had to take my pants off.  That’s just unnatural.

In summation, the sock is not some garmet to be featured as an add-on for trendy, sauna-like sleepwear, nor is it one to be transformed into an amphibious poolside faux pas.  To provide your feet with the comfort and protection that they deserve, check out Sock University’s top-of-the-line products at bargain prices.

August 15, 2006

We’ve consulted Sock University’s Science Dept. chairman, Dr. Sabelotodo, to clear up once and for all the popular “blow/knock your socks off” expression.  Fascinating stuff…

Despite what you may think, your favorite sushi restaurant or the guy from the deli’s breath can neither blow nor knock someone’s socks off.  While they may serve as stimuli for heightened sensory reaction, your socks will remain securely on the foot.

That, however, is not to say that one’s socks cannot be blown off.  Remember, your feet are the sweatiest part of your body, and if lightning were to strike, the heat from the lightning bolt can immediately boil the water in your sock.  This will cause the sock to instantaneously expand, and the steam can…drumroll, please…

blow your socks (and shoes) off!

Keep on sockin’ in the free world, kids.

August 11, 2006

Yesterday, we touched briefly upon the phenomenon of the missing sock, which can really ruin a weekend.  I, for one, see the glass as half full (as long as there’s not too much ice).  Let’s not dwell on the sock that is unaccounted for, but let’s rejoice over the exciting new opportunities provided by an old sock or one that has been abandoned by its mate.  Here are my 5 favorites:

- A single sock can serve as a coffee filter, as long as you hate the intended drinker.

- Polishing furniture with a rag is so last season.  Sock it!

- Need a new oil filter?  Grab an old sock.  Be careful though; if not fitted properly, the sock filter will be sucked into the car’s engine, and we here at Sock University really can’t help you with that.

- If your pet conger eel needs a new sweater, forget those expensive boutiques.  Socks are so in right now. 

- Practice your nunchuck skills without breaking a lamp or a clavicle.

Stay tuned for more sock lunacy…

August 10, 2006

Some tube socks are made from possum fur?

True. When you really think about it, nothing soaks up foot sweat like a small arboreal species. 

Socks and socklessness are two popular fetish items in Japan.

True.  Based on this logic, I’d love to know what’s not a fetish in Japan.

The proverbial “missing sock” issue is a result of a sock’s cannibalistic tendencies.

True.  I’m waiting for evidence that points elsewhere.

Socks played a role in the first ever heart surgery.

True.  Dr. Alfred Blalock was in fact wearing socks, which undoubtedly supported his feet and heels and helped sustain his standing position for hours.

White athletic socks + a dark suit = Faux Pas

False.  Michael Jackson wore white socks (glittered!) with black pants and shoes when he first unleashed the moonwalk on national television.  All is forgiven.

The word sock derived from the Middle English socc.

False.  Socc is Old English.  The Middle English derivation was socke.  I guess you were absent that day.

August 9, 2006

Today, I will lay out for you the easiest way to make sock puppets, a fun, creative alternative to watching TV, playing video games, and huffing model-making glue.

1.  First, collect two socks, preferably a matching pair.  Any color, length, or design will do.

2.  Next, slide the sock (one at a time!) onto your foot.

3.  Put on your shoes, and go about your day.

4.  Remember that if you’re shopping for socks online and reading a churlish sock blog, you have absolutely no business making sock puppets. 

DISCLAIMER:  This was a test conducted by the experts at Sock University, and many of you have failed.  Thorlo, Wigwam, Champion, Smartwool, and Mom’s have been scientifically designed to enhance comfort and stability, not to be made into dragons. 

August 8, 2006

Thorlo has spent 25 years in research and development, examining what demands are being placed on the feet of military servicemen and women in every branch of the Armed Forces.  Below is a quick summary of why Thorlo has the U.S. Army covered:

- Thorlo padding greatly reduces chaffing and abrasions to feet inside shoes or boots.

- Thorlo offers unique protection, reducing blister and callous formation on the feet and Achilles tendon.

- Thicker, more dense padding levels serve as a fitting tool when the foot is at its lower end of its range of motion.

- Padding expands when foot flattens and lengthens at upper end of its range of motion.

- Padding emulates withing the shoe the natural surfaces on which feet were meant to walk, march, run, or stand for extended periods of time.

 Check out Sock University’s specials on Thorlos for men, women and children!

August 7, 2006

Using your own knowledge and that offered here at Sock University, try to figure out some tips for Mr. Kiedis and any other sock revolutionaries you may know:

Here are some expert observations:

- Clearly, a sock is not to come above the knee, let alone start above it.

- Mr. Kiedis, whose showmanship does employ a good deal of physical activity, chose wisely with the tube sock.  A mid-calf sock could have worked, as well.

- He did not, unfortunately, take the proper steps to prevent friction blisters.  Note the bare feet (and buttocks).  

- Speaking of blisters, cotton socks like one pictured above were also found to become abrasive to the foot (or whatever else) after multiple wash-wear cycles, which may lead to irritation to the skin’s surface down the road, making blister-forming conditions ideal.

- Yes, a quarter or crew sock (employed mostly for jogging, golf, and tennis) could have made for more of a custom fit.

August 2, 2006

As part of Sock University’s indefatigable fascination with socks, we will today to trace the sock throughout history, though not chronologically. 

Today’s tale is one of sport, spelling, and sorrow.  It all went down, aptly, in Boston.

Just three years after winning the Word Series, the Boston Americans sat in last place by the end of the 1906 season, boasting a piteous 49-105 record.  Inexplicably excited for the dawn of the ‘07 season, Beantown media and fans began referring to the Americans as Red Sox, as they wore…socks…that were red.  Team officials liked it, the name stuck (despite the crude spelling), and the rest, as we say, is (a cursed) history.

Unfortunately, player/manager Chick Stahl took his own life by guzzling carbolic acid just before the regular season.  The team finished in seventh place.